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| "Vanilla Frosted" By Jacqui I tried not to make eye contact with the other patrons while using a public library computer, but I was fairly certain - from the speaker audio, braying, and heavy breathing - that the man directly across from me was watching a woman get nailed by a donkey. I skimmed emails from my identical triplet sisters, while wishing I had hand sanitizer. I reminded myself not to touch my face no matter how itchy my nose was. Jennifer’s email was short, as she was nearing the later stage of her teenage pregnancy. She had been living in our Mom’s basement with her baby daddy, Sylvester. “Don't take going to school for granted cause I would give my right arm to be down there in that church and going to school, but right now I know that is not what God wants me to do. I had to quit Hardee’s because the smell of breakfast food made me really sick. It really sucks living in the basement. Sylvester started his job working at the quarry. He bought a new truck...without telling me first. Mom and Carroll have started to charge us for utilities. I don’t know how we are going to make ends meet without me being able to work. But I can’t wait until my baby is here; I know it is all God’s will.” Jessica updated me on her summer living with our Dad in Sevierville, TN and going to Lee University. “I started work at Dollywood, today will be my third day. I stand there and sell Dippin' Dots outside. Its torture selling Dippin' Dots, I want to eat them all. It's ok here. Dad has pretty much been sucking up. So has Dee Dee, so it’s not that bad, just work, go out to eat with dad, then sleep till noon and get ready for work. Of course Billy is driving me crazy, he wants me to come back early. I am here to get my book money, and a little money in case something comes up in college. He doesn’t get it. I don't know what I am going to do, I am $7,000 dollars short, Dad says the hearing to stop our child support is in a couple of weeks and I guess I 'll just have to have a full time job and settle for not making all A's. Anyway, write to me as soon as you can. Stay in touch with Mom and granny they worry about you a lot.” The braying across from me had gotten louder and the man’s breathing was heavier. I quickly typed out a response for both of my sisters. I really missed them but didn’t want to let on how homesick I was. “We just now found a public library that we can use the internet at so that is pretty cool.We went soul winning with the LBI summer school students the other day and we went to wally world and I was blessed in leading a family from Miami who moved down here that day to the Lord....it was so awesome...they were so happy the lady (who was pregnant) was hugging and thanking me and her husband who was holding another Kid was glowing with joy..it was awesome!Sheree and I are still job hunting with no success so far...it’s harder than I thought it would be. I am looking for somewhere without fast food...I put in at toys r us and in a minute am going to wally world among many other places.A decrepit old man cussed me out yesterday, cuz he said I parked in his yard...I was nice to him though cause he looked like he would drop dead any moment and it was sad really how bitter he is.Well I am going to go cause the library is about to close....please pray for me with Becky...she seems to be the biggest obstacle for me...I don’t want to sound mean or anything but every button I have she has managed to stomp on...sometimes subconsciously sometimes on purpose when she is mad..but God is working on her too and I need to learn to deal with it. Well I love you guys and miss you.....”
I logged out of the computer and immediately went to the bathroom and scrubbed my hands as thoroughly as Lady Macbeth.I found Sheree looking through the stacks of VHS tapes. “Hey do you want to check out West Side Story?” “YES! I have always wanted to see that one. You know me so well, Shereebee. We need to go pick up Becky. She gets out of work at four.” Becky landed a job at the Disney store on the first day that she went job hunting. The hiring manager was impressed with her bubbly attitude, good eye contact, and confidence. "I will do anything you need me to; stock shelves, scrub floors, and even clean the toilets. It would be my dream come true to work in the Disney store." Because we only had one vehicle between the three of us, Sheree and I needed to find employment at the same place for transportation to work out. We turned in all of our job applications together, marketing ourselves as a package deal. For the first couple weeks I had been confident that hiring managers would be able to see the potential in hiring such a hard-working dynamic duo, but no one had called us back. As much as I was trying to have faith that God would provide, deep down I was panicking. My worst nightmare would be to have to return to the Appalachian Mountains with my tail between my legs - to my sneering family. I knew they didn’t think I would last in Florida. After picking up Becky I took my roommates to a large church parking lot for driving lessons. Sheree had failed the questionnaire portion of the exam. Becky had accidentally ran a stop sign with a driving instructor in the car. She was so ticked off when the instructor told her that she had automatically failed that she ran every stop sign on her way back to the DMV. I relinquished control of my car to Becky and gave her scenarios to react to. The car didn’t have air-conditioning and in the grueling summer Florida sun the three of us quickly began to get cranky. “Okay, at the end of this row we will be taking a left turn. Don't forget to use your turn signal and come to a complete stop." Becky made a hard right turn without slowing down. “Becky I said take a left turn not a right turn.” “What difference does it make as long as I am turning?” “It matters because we are practicing for your driving test. You have to be able to follow directions.” “I don’t care. If I want to turn right then I am going to turn right.” Sheree said “Geez Becky, stop being so stubborn. Just listen to Jacqui. She is trying to teach you how to drive.” “At the next row go ahead and try a left turn.” When we reached the end of the row, Becky turned right again. “I don’t have time for this Becky. I am tired of you making everything difficult lately. Go ahead and pull over. It’s Sheree’s turn now.” Becky looked at me like a petulant child and accelerated. “No”, she said. “What do you mean ‘No’? This is my car. Pull over.” Becky pressed the gas down even harder and began swerving through the parking lot. Sheree and I exchanged looks. The past few weeks Becky had been acting extremely strange and aggressive. We had both had about all we could take. Becky barreled across the parking lot jerking the wheel hard to the left and the right. “BECKY, STOP THE CAR RIGHT NOW BEFORE YOU KILL US!” Becky didn’t blink or acknowledge that Sheree had spoken. She jerked the wheel really hard to the right making the tires squeal. I was absolutely terrified that she was going to the take the car on the main road and into oncoming traffic. “If you don’t stop the car this very second, then I am going to call Pastor Collinwood and tell him about this.” Becky slammed on the brakes. Not saying a word, she got out of the driver’s seat and moved to the back seat. Sheree moved behind the wheel but they keys weren’t in the ignition. “Can I have the keys?” My ginger roommate smiled and made a low guttural noise, like a rabid honey badger. I tried to remain calm, I could tell I was about to lose my temper. I tried to think of what Christ would do in this exact situation - if he was trying to give Judas lessons on how to ride a donkey. I realized that entertaining that train of thought was a mistake because, after the library, the mental image I got was extremely disturbing. “Becky, give me the keys…please.” More growling.
Like we were playing “good cop, bad cop”, Sheree took the less gentle approach.
“FOR CRYING OUT LOUD BECKY, GIVE US THE KEYS OR I WILL COME BACK THERE AND GET THEM.” Becky pulled her arm back and launched the keys as hard as she could… at my head. I saw a flash of light and immediately regretted collecting novelty key chains. I only had two actual keys but probably 37 different metal key chains, mostly frogs and inspirational religious paraphernalia. 
Before I could help it, my eyes welled up and I started crying. Ugly crying. Which embarrassed me and caused me to cry even harder. The summer had been absolutely terrible. I had thought it would be wonderful living with my friends. I had lived with Sheree and a friend my entire senior year and we all got along great, but Becky was a terrible roommate. She was a slob, she was inconsiderate, but the part that really bothered me was that she was convinced she was possessed by a demon. For the past few weeks she would have spells where she would act really strangely - sometimes talking gibberish in a husky voice while glaring, unblinkingly, at me. She told us that she thought she was possessed by a demon. It was creepy, but I didn’t think it was genuine demonic possession. Saved people couldn’t be possessed. She was just faking it, which was somewhat more disturbing that someone who was possessed against their will.
Becky seemed to particularly enjoy being mean to me, which I made very easy to do. I had absolutely no self-esteem and would not stand up for myself. I wanted to avoid confrontation at all costs. Every time things got remotely tense, I felt like the Cowardly Lion meeting the Wizard of Oz. I wanted to dash across the room and jump out of a window. Where I was incapable of standing up for myself, Sheree was the opposite. She would become extremely pissed off and want to resort to violence. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was codependent on Sheree and used her as my proxy for dealing with the world. If I was too scared to deal with a social situation, I would hide behind Sheree and whisper to her what I wanted her to say. Some people probably thought she was my interpreter. I felt safe when I was with her. The night before, Sheree had called Becky out for leaving a mess in the kitchen. “Tammy and Patty are going to be home from work at any minute. You need to go ahead and clean up your dishes.” Becky looked at Sheree and snarled like an animal. “Dude, what is your problem? I am not your Mom. I am not going to clean this mess up. Clean it up NOW.” Becky snarled again. I was deeply uncomfortable with how tense it had gotten in the tiny trailer and went to just clean the mess up myself… but Sheree stopped me. “No, Jacqui. She needs to clean this up herself. She needs to be a good steward and thankful to our hosts. Becky, get over here and clean up this mess RIGHT NOW.” Becky stood up and walked over to Sheree with a defiant expression on her face. She reached out her arm and grabbed hold of Sheree’s necklace and yanked really hard, causing her to stumble forward. The chain snapped and Becky dropped it on the floor and ran outside. Sheree’s jaw had dropped and I saw a spark of murderous rage in her eyes. She made a move to go after Becky, but I grabbed her shoulders. “No, man. Don’t do it. Let it go.” “ But that was my favorite necklace.” “I know. We should probably give her space and just pray about it.” Sheree didn’t look happy, but we sat down together on the sofa and silently prayed for Becky. “I bet this is like the scripture that says God will burn all the impurities out of us to make us holy. When metal gets burned, all of the impurities rise to the surface. So all of her jealousy and insecurities are just manifesting really strongly now that we are in a holy place. “ “Yeah, you are probably right.” Our prayer didn’t seem to have helped because less than 24 hours later I had a knot on the back of my head and enough snot and tears covering my face to look like I had been pepper sprayed. Sheree was enraged. “IF YOU EVER HURT HER AGAIN, SO HELP ME GOD…” Becky was growling and her eyes darted back and forth. “TELL HER YOU ARE SORRY RIGHT NOW.” Sheree put her arm around me and patted me on the shoulder. “RIGHT NOW!” “Sorry.” After a few minutes I composed myself enough to be able to drive us back to the trailer. Things were quiet for the next few days. Becky met with me and Sheree one night after youth group. “When I got prayed for tonight at youth group, I felt the demon leave my body, so it shouldn’t happen anymore.” Sheree didn’t seem convinced. “Good for you.” That night, Sheree and I went out onto the front stoop to get some privacy. “Sheree, do you think Becky was really possessed?” “No. I think she is just jealous that the two of us are so close. She probably feels excluded and this was her way to get attention. She has never had to live on her own or be responsible before and this is too much for her to handle. I don’t know how she is going to make it through LBI.” “Yeah… I don’t know how we are going to get to LBI if we don’t get jobs soon. There is no way we will be able to afford tuition.” “Just have faith in God, little buddy. He will provide us jobs.” I loved it when Sheree called me "little buddy”, because it reminded me of “Gilligan's Island”. The next day, Tammy gave us a hot job tip. “You girls should go down to Dunkin Donuts in New Tampa. I stopped in there to get donuts this morning and the manager said they are hiring.” We immediately drove out to New Tampa (and inevitably got lost for 30 minutes trying to navigate the interstate system), the area where the more affluent Tampa-onians lived. All the buildings were modern and they had many luxury stores; Jamba Juice, Panera Bread, Krispy Kreme, and Starbucks all within a couple blocks of each other. I had never been inside any of those stores because none of them were located within a few hours’ drive in the Appalachian Mountains. We did have a Krispy Kreme in one of the bigger cities for a while, but it was shut down because people didn't have disposable income to spend on pastries or expensive coffees. In New Tampa, everyone seemed to have disposable income. Other than me, no one was driving a beat up car. While we waited at a congested red light, I saw a Ferrari, a Lamborghini, a Jaguar, a Lexus, and a Porsche. The Dunkin Donuts was a combination chain and had a full sized Baskin-Robbins and Togo's Sandwich shop inside. When I took my first step inside, my senses of sight and taste were assaulted with the delicious smell of sugary goodness and roasted coffee. Sheree asked for job applications while I snagged a table for us to fill them out. When we were done, the cashier told us to wait there while she went back to the office and gave our applications to the owner. I perched, fidgeting, on the edge of my seat. After a few minutes, an elderly paunchy man wearing a denim polo shirt and khaki shorts shuffled over to our table. Without introducing himself, he got right down to business. "I will hire both of you girls at $6.25 an hour, which is above minimum wage, IF you promise you won't steal from me. Don't steal money. Don't steal food. Food is money. Don't give free food to your friends. That is like giving your friends money from my pocket. The moment I catch you stealing my money, I will call the police." His tone of voice was so gruff and accusatory I felt like I had already been caught, red-handed, with a fistful of cash in my hand. He reminded me of Mr. Krabs from “SpongeBob Squarepants”. Sheree said, “Oh, we would never steal from you, sir. We are Christians and moved here to go to Bible school." The suspicious Mr. Krabs was not convinced. "So you are religious girls, huh. It is always the ones I least expect who end up stealing the most of my money. It is the quiet ones that I especially have to look out for." I hadn’t said a peep the entire time. He looked me right in the eyes and I tried to give him my best "I am not a crook" smile. "So you think it's funny that my own employee's rob me blind?" I blushed and started stuttering. "Oh, no s-s-s-s-ir! That is absolutely t-t-t-errible. I would never steal a p-p-p-penny." He stared at us silently for what felt like forever. I felt like he was somehow administering a human lie detector test. "Come in Monday morning at 5 am and I will give you uniform shirts. Wear khaki pants. You will be running the cash registers, full time." Sheree and I both sighed with relief. She confidently spoke up. "Thank you, sir. You won't regret it. We are both hard workers and will be here bright-eyed and bushy-tailed." The old man grumbled incoherently as he shuffled back behind the counter. He seemed very unsatisfied with his new employees. I tried not to let it bother me; we would prove to him what hard workers we were. We went to the library to email the good news to Pastor Collinwood and Gabrielle. "Thank you guys for your prayers....Sheree and i went to a place called Togo's today and got hired on the spot. We start Monday working 40 hours a week paid 6.50 a hour. It is a dunkin- donuts-togo- baskin -robbins in one. We will be cashiers (ouch I remember how bad I was at Hardees). But isn’t it great....I was getting really nervous about a job because school starts in 14 days and I need $550 when it starts besides that we found out last night we have to find a new place to live because we can’t all live in the trailer but Tammy and Patty said they will move out with us...so it’s like Gods way of providing us with a bigger place (hopefully at least 3 rooms) ....so yeah this job is totally a Godsend. Well thanks everyone for your prayers really pray for us next week because we will be in training and it looks intense as you can imagine in Tampa. I love everyone keep on writing and praying and encouraging. Miss you all more than you probably realize and love you alot." The cranky owner who had hired us met us at the door with a handsome man in his mid-thirties. "This is my son, Mark. He will train you girls. We are really goddamn busy because we only have one girl working right now and she is useless. She is slower than a medal ceremony at the Special Olympics. The busier we are, the slower she moves. I hope you two are worth a damn. I am losing customer's money left and right." The owner shuffled away, again incoherently grumbling, in his white tennis shoes and I noticed that his pale little legs were bowed. Mark gave us a dazzling warm smile. He was a very handsome and fit man and he was wearing cargo shorts, like his Dad. But I couldn't help but noticing that his legs were perfectly smooth. I wondered if he was competitive swimmer or cyclist. "Don't mind Carl. He is all bark, but no bite. He is just really stressed out because we are so shorthanded. Follow me and I will show you the layout of the land."
The rest of the day was a blur of learning how to operate coffee grinders, frost doughnuts, fill cream dispensers, and watch agonizing orientation videos. It was completely overwhelming to learn the ins and outs of three different restaurants while simultaneously taking orders. But Mark was a patient teacher and extremely upbeat the entire time. He didn't let anything faze him and openly chuckled at his Dad for being so tightly wound. When Carl waddled by holding a tray of marble frosted donuts and muttering under his breath, "Goddamn shit....money...Jesus H. Christ..", I couldn't help but cringe at the Lord’s name being taken in vain.
Mark noticed and said, “Calm down Carl or you are going to give yourself a heart attack. These religious girls don't want to hear that." Carl seemed startled to find other people in the store, like he had been so caught up in whatever he was mad about that he totally forgot we were there. He chuckled. "Sorry, I forgot you were religious girls. I am a devout Catholic but was a sailor in the Navy and sometime forget I am in mixed company." I really enjoyed working with Mark. He was always so nice and it didn't hurt that he was easy on the eyes with sculpted legs and huge pectoral muscles. I didn’t feel uncomfortable around him like I normally did with guys. He didn't seem threatening. He gossiped and talked to us about the latest episode of Oprah, his new workout regimen, or how he was decorating his living room with giant polka dots. I talked to Sheree about him while he was on his lunch break. "Mark is such a sweet guy and so creative! I wonder if Catholics can have the Joy of the Lord?" "Ya, I think so. I mean, just because he is a different denomination doesn't mean that he isn't tapped into God's supernatural goodness." When Mark came back he said, "Tim and I are having a hot tub installed. It is top of the line. It has a waterproof television and the jets have colored LED lights that you can synchronize with music." "Oh, wow. That sounds really neat!" During our first week, Mark revealed to us that Carl used to own several Donut Franchises in Chicago and had sold them all and retired. He moved his entire family, wife, and three grown sons to Florida to enjoy his retirement in luxury. But he was miserable, became depressed when he wasn't working, and gained a lot of weight. “Carl doesn’t know what to do with himself if he isn't working. “ So he had opened up a new Dunkin Donuts franchise - one of the first to have Baskin-Robbins and Togo’s. It was supposed to be his cash cow. It was in a prime location and had no competition for a few months, until a Starbucks and Krispy Kreme were constructed practically next door. Carl had problems with hiring quality employees. He mostly hired high school and college kids who mistreated the customers. His store developed a reputation for long waits and terrible service. Carl was pouring his savings into the store to keep it afloat and extremely bitter about it. "Mom really worries that Carl will just keel over one day because this place stresses him out so much." -- Carl came tearing through the store in a panic. "My necklace, who took my necklace?" He was eyeballing me and Sheree. Mark said, "No one took your necklace, Dad. You probably just left it at home." "I wear it every day. Your Mom gave it to me. I would never leave it at home." "What does it look like? We can help look for it." Carl looked reluctant to describe it and answered as vaguely as possible. "It's a golden necklace." Sheree and I split up and began looking around under donut boxes and in the ice cream freezer. "Can you be more specific? It will be easier to find if we know exactly what we are looking for." "Goddammit....It is a gold dollar sign with diamonds on it." I started giggling, thinking that Carl was making a joke about bling. What elderly white business man would wear something like that? It sounded more like Puff Daddy. "Good one, Carl!" He didn't laugh with me, but suspiciously glared. For a second, I was terrified that the gold dollar sign would materialize out of thin air into my red hands. "If I find out that someone has stolen my necklace, I have the police on speed dial." Mark rolled his eyes and picked up the phone. "Hi, Mom. Can you check and see if Dad left his necklace on the nightstand? .... It is there. I thought so. Thanks, love you." Carl incoherently grumbled his way back to his office without saying “thanks”. We had so much to learn, that the first week at Dunkin flew by. Sheree and I mostly worked the drive thru window. We were surprised that they didn't really have a system in place to keep the orders organized. People would randomly grab whatever item they heard on the earpiece and toss it on the counter. This left the cashier with no way of knowing what was next. Many orders were doubled up or completely overlooked and the wrong items were going out the window several times an hour resulting in angry customers. We developed a simple system of writing down the orders as they came in and checking them off. Sheree normally handled the window because she knew how much I despised interacting with customers. Immediately our system dramatically cut down the wait in the drive thru. Customers came into the store and raved about how fast we were. "I normally dread coming here because I know it will take thirty minutes to get a donut. But today it was extremely fast and those hillbilly girls are so sweet." After a few days Carl began acting a little differently towards us. He still griped, groaned, and grumbled constantly but he wasn't as suspicious. It felt like he was my crotchety old Grandpa. We started calling him the pet name “Carly Warly” to his face. He acted like it bothered him, but I could tell he really liked it. One morning, when we came in, Carly Warly was gloating with his chest puffed out. "You girls know how I got that counterfeit hundred dollar bill yesterday? Well, I didn't want to take it to the bank because they wouldn't accept it and I would have to take a loss. So I took it to Mass and put it in the collection plate. I get to write it off on my taxes. What do you think of that? Goddamn genius, right?! Now God can take care of it." I was completely appalled, but didn't want to get fired for telling my boss that what he had done was morally bankrupt. " Oh...yeah.. that was pretty smart, I guess." He chuckled and waddled back into his office, pleased with himself. The day before Bible school started, Carl overheard me and Sheree talking about looking in the classified ads for furniture. "I saw an estate sale going on this weekend. Maybe we can find some stuff there." "Yeah, good thinking, but we have to be careful that we check it thoroughly for bed bugs and roaches." Carl interrupted. "What in the sam-hell are you religious girls talking about? What do you mean you don't have any furniture?" Sheree said, "We just moved into a new apartment and don't have any furniture. Nothing." I was embarrassed about how pathetic that sounded. "Well we have an air mattress." Carl scowled. "My wife just remodeled our house and I have a bunch of furniture in the garage that we were going to donate to a charity. You girls can have it." "REALLY, Carly Warly?!! That is such a blessing. Thank you sooooooo much!" He looked uncomfortable with our thankfulness and scowled even harder. "Yeah. Don't think of it as a handout or anything. I need to get it out of my garage. My wife keeps getting onto me about it. It's a fire hazard. I will get Mark and Tim to bring it over this afternoon." That night a box truck with Dunkin Donuts emblazoned on the side pulled up to our apartment. Out hopped Carl, Mark, and Tim; who we had never met before. He was clean shaven and wearing a bright pink button down shirt, which was tucked into khaki pants, and sandals. "This is Tim. He is Mark's....roommate. He is in the real estate business." Tim shook our hands and I thought something was a bit different about him but I couldn't quiet put my finger on what it was. It must be because I have never met anyone in real estate before. The men unloaded a couch, dining room set, two La-Z-Boy recliners, a dresser, and a queen sized bed with a fancy wooden matching headboard. All of the furniture was brand name and matched with black and fuchsia plush material. Instead of being made out of fiber board, it was made out of actual solid wood. I couldn't believe how generous Carl was. He barely knew us and was blessing us with such beautiful furniture. No one in my family had ever had a matching furniture set; it was always a hodgepodge of stuff that had been acquired from yard sales, a family member's death, or the Salvation Army. "This is so beautiful, Carly Warly! Thank you so much!" He glowered. "I can't have the religious girls sleeping on the floor and sitting on milk crates when I have all this junk in my garage. Don't mention it. Seriously. Ever. Don’t." --
After what felt like a never-ending Summer, the first day of Bible school arrived. I was so excited that I could barely sleep the night before. I had stayed up most of the night in our new bed, reading the book of Psalms. I kept my toe ever so gently on the back of Sheree's foot because it made me feel better to have contact with her, but I didn't want her to notice and think I was weird or anything. I laid out the skirt, blouse, and flat-heeled shoes I would change into after work. The paperwork I had received with the Lake Bible Institute (LBI) application explained it was a requirement for the female students to wear dresses. The men had to wear suits and ties. I didn't feel comfortable in a dress. While wearing one, I felt like a three-legged dog performing in a cat show.
“The men have it so easy. They get to dress comfortably. I would give anything to be able to wear a suit and tie instead of a dress. It feels like torture." "Ha! That's never going to be allowed. Besides, you have to wear a dress when you are in the ministry." “No, I won’t. Youth pastors can wear jeans and t-shirts.” “Not all the time… they have to dress up on Sunday mornings.” "Yeah, yeah, I know... a girl can dream. I wonder what classes we will have this first semester? I can't wait to find out at orientation." I was grateful that work was extremely busy so I didn't have time to focus on being nervous about Bible school. Finally, the night crew came in. I was getting ready to log out when Mark drove up to the drive thru window and handed me a bank bag with pennies. He was in a new yellow Volkswagen Beetle with a giant fake yellow daisy on the dashboard. "Hey, Jacqui. Can you put this in Carl’s office for me? He is running low." "Sure thing. I really like your wife's car. That is super cool!" "What?" "I really like your wife's car." "Jacqui, what are you talking about? This is my car." I was suddenly very confused. "But you have a flower..." I was very flustered. I had assumed that he was married because he was such a nice and good looking guy. Mark looked at me with a strange bemused expression and sweetly said… "I'm not married to a woman. I am gay.” "You’re.....?” I couldn’t bring myself to say the terrible word. “Gay. Yep. Who did you think Tim was?" “I thought he was just your roommate." "Hah! We are more than roommates. Don't worry, my religious friend. I am still the same person. See you tomorrow." Mark gave me a farewell wave and drove off in his little gay car, laughing. I felt extremely conflicted. Mark was a sweet person, one of the most wonderfully genuine people I had ever met. How could he be gay? I found Sheree and told her about what had happened. "Yeah. No news there." "What? Really?! But he seemed so….masculine." "Come on, Jacqui. It was really obvious. What straight man watches Oprah every day, is best friends with his Mom, and buys a hot tub with another man?" "So I guess this means that Mark is going to Hell. That makes me feel so sad for him. I thought for sure he was saved." "I don't think he is going to Hell just because he is gay." "But, of course he is! You don't get to Heaven by being a good person. The Bible says that being gay is an abomination..... I wonder if Carl knows about them?" "I know what it says and I disagree. I'm sure he does Jacqui. Come on, little buddy. We need to go home and change for school." It really bothered me that Sheree thought Mark wasn't going to Hell for being gay. Those were the rules. That was what the Bible said. It was black and white. There was no gray area as far as who was going to Heaven. That was the entire point of Jesus dying on the cross - to get rid of the gray area. If someone in a church heard her say something like that, she would be completely discredited from the ministry. Maybe they would talk about it in Bible school and clear things up for her. A few hours later, I was sitting in the Lake Church Sanctuary, between Sheree and Becky. We were surrounded by two hundred eager students. Their ages ranged from fresh out of high school to mid-fifties. There were many married couples. A fashionable man and woman made their way to the podium. The woman spoke with great excitement and trace of a lisp. She had short, blonde hair that was gelled back and had excellent posture. She seemed so poised and powerful that it gave me chill bumps. "HELLOOOOO! Welcome to LBI!!! We are Deans Edward and Jean Hunter and we want to welcome you! Raise your hand if this is your first year at LBI. Come on, don’t be shy. Raise your hand all the way up and wave at me. " Two thirds of the people in the auditorium raised their hands. "That is wonderfullll! Well, you are in for the most challenging year of your life. Our job is to mold you into revivalist and ministers. This is going to be the most challenging year of your life, but it will also be the most rewarding. The fireeee of Godddd is going to burn out all the impurities and make you more in His image. Isn’t that right, second and third year students?” The seasoned students clapped and cheered in agreement. “Amen, that’s right. Preach it, Dean Jean.” “But before we can teach you how to go out into the world and reap the end time harvest, we need to start with the LBI rules and regulations. Does everyone have their handy dandy LBI handbookkkkk?" Dean Jean’s drawn out words confirmed to me that Becky was going to have a hard time at LBI. I opened up the thick pamphlet that had been passed down the row. I was relieved that they were going to cover the rules first. I didn’t like not knowing what was expected of me. "Excellentttt! If you would please turn to page one and read along with me….” Special thanks to Tené Myrick for her mad editing skillz! |
Monday, March 3, 2014
Chapter 2: Donut Ask Donut Tale
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Chapter 1:The Country Mouse
If you haven't ready any of my blog posts before, I recommend starting here: http://iammyowncousin.blogspot.com/2012/04/third-twin.html
As I took a gander around The Lake Church sanctuary, which resembled a Trump Tower hotel lobby, I was intimidated by the hundreds of beautiful people wearing tailored suits and chic dresses. They all seemed to exude an unabashed confidence that was foreign to me and my typical state of nineteen-year-old perpetual self-loathing. My inner voice warned, "YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO FIT IN HERE!" I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. I had traded my parachute pants and over-sized Christian t-shirt for a flowery blouse, wrap-around skirt, and dress shoes that had respectively come from a yard sale, thrift store, and from my sister. It was the most “girly” thing I had worn in years - excluding my prom dress -but I felt completely absurd surrounded by a sea of supermodels.
Earlier in the day my hair had been a few inches longer; splotched brown, black, and bleached-out yellow from a botched self-dyeing attempt. The worship leader from my home church, Jane, stopped me in the parking lot before we went into The Lake.
"Jacqui I have to do something about your hair. I wouldn't be your friend if I let you start your new life with this mess on your head."
She produced a pair of scissors from her gigantic purse and went to town, hacking off the frizzy chunks in a frenzy like Edward Scissorhands. I didn't want Jane to cut my hair, but I was incapable of saying "no". I stood in the church parking lot like a helpless lamb that had been lead to slaughter and prayed no one could see her shearing me. I tried not to watch as my curls landed on the searing hot asphalt and were blown away by the salty ocean breeze.
It was unlikely that anyone spotted us because the parking lot was so colossal. The driveway leading up to the church was decorated with tall, thin palm trees. It felt like we were cruising on Rodeo Drive when we drove up. My heart leapt up into my throat when I saw The Lake at Tampa Bay Church where I was supposed to spend the next three years at their Bible Institute. I had never seen such a gigantic, modern church. It made me feel tiny. I imagined it was how peasants felt when first visiting the Notre Dame Cathedral. It was a large white and green building with gargantuan panes of glass. The entrance was overshadowed by large white canopies that looked like angel wings. I thought to myself, “The favor of God is really on this ministry for them to be able to afford such a nice building.”
"There that looks better. I got rid of all your split ends, too. What do you think?"
I looked at myself in her car’s side view mirror. All the black and yellow was gone, but it was now uneven and still frizzy. It was not unusual for my friends to offer their “help” by doing my hair, applying make-up, or dressing me in feminine clothes. It irritated me that they thought I was so fashion-inept. I knew I was, but I would never give someone else fashion tips, much less insist on cutting their hair or dressing them. I felt like the victim of one of those surprise fashion makeover television shows. But Jane was just trying to be nice, not insult me, so I broke the ninth commandment and told a white lie.
"I love it, thanks!"
"Great, let's go in. Maybe now you can find yourself a boyfriend." Jane nudged me and winked as our group walked up to the church.
No one seemed to care that my engagement to Jason Helbert had just ended. Sure, we hadn't kissed and had barely even held hands, but we had been saving ourselves for our wedding night. Because we were "Christian courting" instead of dating, it seemed to delegitimize the seriousness of our relationship to those around us. Our courtship ended after Jason revealed to me that he wasn’t called into the ministry. I believed our eventual marriage would be doomed if he didn't want to live the rest of his life in the pastoral ministry. I had come to the Lake Bible Institute (LBI) to learn to be a youth pastor, not to find a new boyfriend.
I hadn’t just left behind my fiancé to pursue my calling into the ministry, I had left my entire family behind. I was the first person in my immediate family to move out of the mountains. My family tried to warn me that it was a terrible idea with subtle words like “cult”, “insane”, and “the school isn’t accredited”, but I brushed them off. I knew that Satan would try to use my family to dissuade me. Satan had to know what a threat I would be to him after I received a bachelor’s degree in Theology. Once I had my degree, Pastor Collinwood from my home church had promised to hire me as his youth pastor.
I didn’t bother tell my biological father I was moving across the country. I didn’t want to deal with his insanity anymore. I completely cut off all contact with him and vowed to never speak to him again. Yahweh was my Dad now.
It was comforting that I wasn't making such a big move by myself. My friends, Sheree and Becky, were also going to be attending the Lake Bible Institute. During the drive to Florida the three of us planned the adventures we would have. I didn't own a computer, so I went to a local library I had Yahoo!ed and printed out a list of attractions to visit; Busch Gardens theme park, the Museum of Science and Industry (MOSI), The Florida Aquarium, historic Ybor City, and the Salvador Dali Art Museum. It was going to be three years of sand, sun, surfing, and soul winning. But first we were going to attend a camp meeting at The Lake Church.
A Lake Church camp meeting was a throwback to the revivals that took place in the early 19th century, when a frontier preacher would travel into an isolated area and hold revival meetings. The inhabitants’ houses were spread so far apart that they set up camp and slept under the stars for the week. The Lake Church held their camp meetings twice a year and they were always at full capacity with roughly 1,700 attendees. Pentecostals from around the world would converge on Tampa and stay in hotels or congregants’ homes. Eight members of our home church traveled down with us, in a caravan, to attend the 2003 Summer Camp Meeting.
The road trip was supposed to take 12 hours, but my car started acting weird around Macon, Georgia. Our Pastor's “right hand man”, Jerry, had volunteered to drive my car because I had never driven more than 25 miles from my home and had never braved an interstate. He was able to steer it into an auto repair shop before it died. Our entire convoy stopped and waited, for a couple hours, while Jerry had a mechanic fix whatever “thingymadoflootchie” that had gone bad. I wrung my hands and fretted because I only had $500 to my name and hadn't planned on paying for a car repair. I had only owned the car, a 1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass Salon, for a couple days and now it was already malfunctioning. But once the repair was completed, Jerry refused to let me see the bill.
"Don't worry about the bill. God told me to pay for it."
Sheree said, "See Jacqui, I told you not to worry. God is blessing you already! Pastor Collinwood blessed you by buying you the car and Jerry blessed you by fixing it. We are definitely on the right path. It's the favor of God."
We were five hours behind our travel schedule when we finally crossed the state line into Florida.
"It's so flat! I can see so far in every direction without any hills or ridges."
I marveled at how different everything was from the coalfields. They didn't have dilapidated wooden houses and hundred-year-old storefronts. The houses were made covered in stucco and Spanish ceramic tiles. Instead of churches and gas stations on every corner, they had shopping centers.
"We won't have to drive forty-five minutes every time we need to go Wally World! I bet the teenagers don't go cruising around the Food City parking lot for fun. There is so much to do here."
There was beautiful Spanish moss hanging from the trees instead of kudzu. Instead of blue jays, robins, and crows; we saw Pelicans, Sea Gulls, and Ibises. Even the roadkill was peculiar. Rather than groundhog corpses littering the highways, I spotted my first dead armadillo before the caravan stopped to refuel at a 7-Eleven gas station. Tonya pointed out a lady wearing a hijab, while we walked into the store.
"Oh Wow man a real life Muslim! It's so sad that they don't believe in Jesus. I know that they are probably going to Hell. I reckon that headdress-y thingy gets really hot in Florida."
Tonya said, "Yeah, but it probably helps them not get sunburned."
"The clerks really are Indians! I thought that was just a joke on the Simpsons. OH MY GOD THEY HAVE SLURPEES! I have always wanted to try a Slurpee."
Sheree said, "We had 7-Elevens all over Texas. Here, I will show you how to make the best Slurpee ever."
She picked out a cup the size of a oil barrel and mixed together a heavenly concoction of flavors; Mountain Dew, Strawberry Banana, and Cherry. We all suffered from severe “brain freeze” as we slurped down our drinks and rolled into Tampa.
Our first stop was Carmen and Saul's apartment. Carmen and Saul were evangelists who had visited us in Castlewood and were instrumental in convincing us to come to RBI. They offered their apartment to the entire group who traveled down and they set up Sheree, Becky, and me in temporary accommodations with R.B.I. students. I was amazed when I realized that their apartment complex was gated and required a special code to enter.
"Dude, they must be really rich to live in a gated community!"
I was impressed to see that their apartment had high ceilings. I had never been in a home with high ceilings. To have so much extra space seemed so extravagant. The group unpacked and went swimming in the complex pool until dinnertime. I helped Carmen prepare a monstrous salad and was amazed to witness her use a garbage disposal - a modern convenience I had never seen in person.
"I am out of cheese. Jacqui, would you go to the grocery store and get me a pack of cheddar cheese?"
"Sure thing!"
Sheree and Becky volunteered to go with me.
"There is a grocery store right down the road. Take your first left and it will be on the corner."
At first, I was thrilled the three of us were out on our own in Tampa, but we got lost before we even left the apartment complex. Every street looked exactly the same. After many dead ends we finally found our way back to the front gate.
"Did she say take the second right?"
Becky said, "I thought she said the third right."
We turned right and found ourselves on an eight-lane road in bumper-to-bumper traffic. The heaviest traffic congestion I had ever experienced back home was three cars deep at a stop sign. A SUV aggressively swerved over into my lane, cutting me off. The driver in the Lexus behind me braked just centimeters from my bumper and laid on her horn. Always flappable, I started crying.
"Oh my God! I can't drive in this!"
Sheree said, "You have to be more aggressive and inch your way over or we will never be able to change lanes."
"I'm using my turn signal, but they won't let me over!
"You have to just cut them off. They will have to let you over."
"But that is so rude! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!"
HONK!!!
"Has anyone even seen a single grocery store?"
Becky said, "I haven't."
Sheree said, "Let's pull into this shopping center."
I was sweating bullets as I slowly inched my way into the turn lane, causing a woman in a Range Rover to give me “the bird”. We drove around the shopping center but didn't see a grocery store. It was all stores with weird names like Publix, The Cheesecake Factory, Starbucks, Planet Smoothie, and Jamba Juice.
"I don't see a Piggly Wiggly, Food Lion, or Food City. All these people have to get their groceries from somewhere."
We pulled into three different strip malls and looked around for a grocery store but had no luck. Just a Kash n' Karry check cashing store and a furniture store named Albertson's.
I was in a full-blown panic, now hyperventilating. Neither Sheree nor Becky had their driver's licenses, so I had no choice but to try to pull myself together and keep driving.
Sheree suggested, “Why don't we find a pay phone and call Carmen?"
"I don't have any change or her number. Guys, I can't do this. We just have to go back without the cheese."
When we finally parked the Oldsmobile at the apartment I stayed outside to gain my composure. Carmen came to check on me.
"What's wrong Jacqui?"
"I can't drive here, it's too insane. I don't think I can do this. It's too big. I'm sorry I didn't get your cheese. We couldn't find any grocery stores."
"Don't worry about the cheese. We can have salad without cheese. I am surprised you couldn't find any grocery stores. We have a Publix, Kash n' Karry, and an Albertson's all down the road."
"Those are grocery stores?!"
"Hah, yeah! I know the city is scary to you but you will get used to it. I'm sorry I didn't think of it before I sent you out for cheese. The Lord called you to Bible school here. He wouldn't call you to do something you aren't capable of. I heard Jerry say he will drive you girls around this week until you feel more comfortable."
"That's a relief. Thanks. I think I am just tired from the trip. I am going to go take a nap before church."
A few hours later, two women held the doors of The Lake open for us and a rush of ice-cold air enveloped me. To compensate for all the heat and humidity in Tampa, all the buildings were kept colder than meat lockers. Something my Granny always said came to mind, "It's colder than a witch's titty."
“Welcome to The Lake!” They handed us a church bulletin that looked as professional as a magazine and was several pages long with announcements and information.
My old church building could easily fit into the foyer. The walls were decorated with a gigantic map of the world and pictures of people being prayed for. One side had a reception area and a café; the other side had a bookstore. Shelves and tables were covered in Cassette tapes, Compact Discs, DVDs, and books. Most were written or preached by Dr. Ronald Howard Black. He was a prolific.
Emily, a Bible school student who had visited my old church the previous summer, spotted us and waved. She made a beeline towards us and brought a stranger with her.
"Susie, this is Jacqui, Sheree, and Becky. They are from Pastor Collinwood's church - the little Appa-LAY-shuh church.”
Sheree said, “It’s Appa-LATCH-uh, they get mad when you pronounce it wrong. When I moved there from Texas I learned the hard way.”
“Hah! Maybe that's how they say it but everywhere else in the world it is pronounced Appa-LAY-shuh. Anyways, the girls are going to be students at RBI."
Susie said, " Nice to meet you. Welcome to The Lake."
Becky said, "Thanks. We are glad we finally made it."
"Just listen to that accent! Say something else for me."
“Er... I don't know what to say."
"That accent is so adorable. Does everyone wear overalls and walk around barefoot?”
I said, "What? No! Some people wear overalls, but not everyone.”
"Did you have electricity?"
"Everyone has electricity. Well, almost everyone... I do have an Uncle who lives off the grid because he grows pot.”
"What about outhouses? Do you have outhouses?"
Sheree said, "My family has an outhouse in our front yard, but we installed a modern bathroom when we moved in."
I said, "I have only seen two houses that still have outhouses, Sheree’s and my cousins’. They couldn't afford toilet paper so we had to use newspapers. But that is really rare."
Emily was gawking at us like we were from a different planet.
“Do you girls know that Appa-LAY-shuh family that they made that TV show about? Where everyone says goodnight at the end.”
“Are you talking about The Waltons?"
"Yeah, that's the one. Do The Waltons live close to you?"
"That show was about a fictional family during the Great Depression. The area is completely different now."
"Oh, really? I thought it was set during the eighties. You girls talk just like they do! I'm surprised you are so smart.”
"Um... thanks, I guess."
The sanctuary was as immense as an airplane hangar. It had more angel canopies hanging from the ceiling. Flags from every country lined the walls. The blue carpeted stage had quite an impressive collection of instruments; guitars, microphones, a piano, and a Plexiglas drum cage. Three professional-grade video cameras towering on tripods and platforms were spread out across the room. High above the stage, there were three massive screens onto which the camera feeds was projected. It felt like I was at a rock concert.
Ushers with name badges directed us to a section of seats that were directly in front of the Plexiglas pulpit with a globe etched into it, five rows back. While we waited for the service to start, I watched people milling about. This was the most diverse group of people I had probably ever been around; Asians, Latinos, Africans, Europeans, Scandinavians, Russians, Australians. At home the demographic spread was white people, whiter people, and whitest people.
The overhead screens lit up with the music video for Steven Curtis Chapman's song, “Dive”.
“…There is a supernatural power
In this mighty river's flow
It can bring the dead to life,
And it can fill an empty soul
And give a heart the only thing
Worth living and worth dying for, yeah…”
I later learned that this music video played at the beginning of every single service. A worship band took their places on the stage and began playing when the video ended.
"Everybody stand to your feet and let's praise the Lord!"
The worship leader was a dashing man with a goatee and an acoustic guitar. Everyone who was not already on their feet stood up. I was impressed by the sound quality; no hot mics or feedback. The band played a few upbeat songs as the crowd jumped up and down and sang along.
Eventually the band transitioned to soft worship songs and the crowd switched gears seamlessly. As a church musician, I was blown away by how receptive the crowd was. At my old church, we had a handful of people who would get into praise and worship, but the rest of the congregation seemed to resent it. They would sit like corpses and just stare, unblinking, waiting for it to be over. Jane regularly fielded complaints that the music was too loud, we played too long, and the songs were too contemporary.
"Why can't you stick to “How Great Thou Art”? Jesus wouldn't like all that noise."
At The Lake, the praise and worship lasted for almost an hour. The crowd closed their eyes, swayed, lifted their hands, and belted out "Jesus, lover of my soul." I gripped the back of the seat in front of me with both my hands and tried to empty my mind and worship, but I was having a difficult time staying focused with random thoughts popping into my head.
"Did my hair really look THAT bad?"
"What is the Capital of Uzbekistan?"
"Does every woman on the planet, except me, have fake boobs?"
"I really wish I had a king-sized Reese's cup right now."
People around me began singing in tongues. At first I thought they were singing in their native languages, but quickly realized that it was, in fact, tongues.
"Oh la la shamba da de koseeki luma shondi kondi kole shadombe!"
That jolted me a little bit because, in our church, they typically only spoke in tongues if a prophet was present to provide a translation. With these people randomly worshipping in tongues, no one was translating. I thought, “I'm sure they have a reason for it.” I didn't really feel qualified to judge, because I had never been baptized in the Holy Spirit with the evidence of tongues. I was praying that it would finally happen while I was attending RBI.
I was interrupted from my train of thought when Dr. Ronald Howard Black came out onto the stage. He was a big man in a black pinstripe suit, with a bright yellow power neck tie, and matching pocket square. His South African accent was almost impossible for me to decipher and he spoke in a booming and commanding voice.
"Thank you Jesus. I can really feel the presence of the Lord here tonight. Thank you,God. I just want you to be seated if you would. I want every head bowed, every eye closed. 2003 will be the year of the harvest. Maybe you walked in here today and you don't know Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Maybe you have never been in a church like this before. While we were worshiping, you felt the Lord tugging at your heart. I want you to know that there is a Heaven to gain and a Hell to shun. You don't have to go to the devil’s Hell. Today the power of sin, guilt, and shame will be removed from your life and you will leave this place changed and pure because of the blood of Jesus. He loves you. What if today was your last day on Earth? What if you never woke up again? Where would you go? The way of the world is hard. ‘For God so loved the world, He gave his only begotten son, so whosoever should call on Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.’ Maybe you are here today and you gave your life to the Lord in days gone, by but you lost your first love. Today the Lord wants to take out the stony heart and put in a heart of flesh. He wants to transform you. With every head bowed and your eyes closed, if you fit into any of those categories please raise your hand. Thank you. Thank you. God bless you. We are going to pray with you and for you. I want you to come from where you are."
People streamed up to the carpeted area in front of the stage.
"Come! Today is your day. Don't delay. He calls you NOW!"
The band started playing “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus”.
Once the front area was full of people, Dr. Ronald continued. "If you mean business with God today, God means business with you. Raise your right hand to Heaven and repeat after me: ‘Father, I come to you in the precious name of your son, Jesus. Lord, you said in your word that if I confess with my mouth that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and I believe in my heart that you raised Him from the dead, I would be saved. So, Jesus, I ask you to come into my heart right now. Wash me, cleanse me, use me, let me never be the same again. I turn my back on the world. I turn my back on sin. Today I confess Jesus has come in the flesh and He is my Lord and Savior. Right now I receive the free gift of salvation.’ Now, just lift both hands and let's thank Him."
The crowd began cheering as the new Christians began to thank God. After a few moments, Dr. Ronald resumed talking and pointed towards a man who looked like Will Ferrell's miniature doppelganger.
"If you would all follow Pastor Eric back behind this wall, we have some gifts we want to give you. If any of you have a desire to be trained up to the use of God, we have a Bible school. Classes start next month."
Sheree excitedly poked me in the ribs. After the alter call, Pastor Ronald preached an offering message for an hour. The gist of the message was “wicked people will lose their wealth.” The wealth of the wicked is saved up for the just. If you give to God now, he will bless you a hundredfold. Once the ushers had collected the offering and were escorted by security guards to an elevator, Pastor Ronald began to preach his main sermon about how religion is a terrible thing.
"Religion always wants to beat you down. It wants to condemn you. Jesus didn't come to condemn. He came to set us free from our sins. Christians should be the happiest people on the planet. Instead, you have Christians who fast so often that they have to dance around in the shower to get wet. God wants you to be full of joy and life."
After Dr. Ronald was finally done preaching, he invited the entire crowd to line up so he could “lay hands” on everyone (pray). I quietly found a place in line, surrounded by people who were laughing hysterically. The Lake is widely known for a phenomenon called “the Joy of the Lord”. At many Pentecostal churches, it was typical fare for people to speak in tongues and fall out in the Spirit, but The Lake went beyond that. Its congregation was known for getting "drunk" in the Holy Spirit. One minute a respectable member of the congregation could be listening to the sermon, the next they were inexplicably laughing hysterically and falling in the floor. They seemed as though they were completely trashed; unable to stand, speak clearly, or function. This was all supported by scripture in the biblical book of Acts, Chapter 2.
The air was alive with electricity and anticipation. People were desperate and hungry for a touch from their God. I could hear ushers running past me to catch people as they fell out. Women followed closely behind the ushers with purple cloths. They covered up any female who went down to prevent any “wardrobe malfunctions”. Pastor Ronald's voice got closer and closer, until I wasn't hearing it over the sound system but right beside me. He was praying for Tonya.
"Fire, Lord! Fire! That's it! Let the joy of the Lord bubble up out of your belly like a river. I pray for the double-anointing Lord. Take it. Just let Him fill you with His presence."
I wanted to open my eyes and see what was going on around me. But I knew that was just my flesh being weak. I told myself, "This could be it. You may finally get baptized in the Holy Spirit."
Then I felt Pastor Ronald right in front of me. He touched my forehead. Even though I was expecting it, I was still a little startled. His voice resonated.
"Fire!"
My legs crumpled and I was acutely aware of an usher gently laying me on the ground. I kept my eyes closed and lay as still as possible waiting for the baptism of Holy Spirit. I felt a cloth lady drape purple fabric over my legs and was grateful. The floor was a little chilly. I tried to relax and empty my mind of any thoughts. I wiggled my toes to check if I felt the fire of the Lord. Nothing. I tried not to give up hope. I could hear people all around me being touched; screaming at the top of their voices, shrieking, crying, laughing.
Eventually I gave up and got off the floor. All the people lying prostrate on the floor, covered in purple cloth, vaguely brought to mind the Heaven's Gate mass cult suicide of ‘97. I pushed that thought away. It was no wonder I wasn't baptized in the Holy Spirit with terrible thoughts like that!
Sheree joined me back at our seats.
"I almost feel high right now. I think I have the Holy Ghost munchies!"
After the service was dismissed, Carmen introduced us to Tammy and Patty, the RBI students who had generously offered the three of us a place to stay while we got on our feet. They were both older than us, mid- to early 30s and very friendly. Tammy was quite a talker and was from Tennessee, so we immediately hit it off because of our shared Southernness. Patty was from Long Island and she was very quiet and reserved. We followed them back to their trailer, which was about a 20-minute drive from the church. I was happy that the traffic had eased up considerably.
I was astonished that the trailer park was actually a gated community as well. It was a sprawling park, ten times bigger than any trailer park I had ever seen. Despite the size, I finally felt at home for the first time since we had come to Florida. Becky made her bed on the couch and Sheree and I shared an air mattress in the living room floor. I curled up close to Sheree.
"Good night, man. Love you."
"Love you, too."
The next morning Saul drove us to a local shopping mall to fill out job applications at food court restaurants and stores.
"Look at that man's hearing aid! It's silver and it has lights on it, like something from Star Trek."
Saul laughed, "That isn't a hearing aid. It's a Bluetooth earpiece. It wirelessly hooks up to a cell phone."
"Oh... We don't really have cell phones back home. No service."
No one at the mall was wearing camouflage or plaid shirts tucked into Wrangler jeans. The majority of the men were clean-shaven with “preppy” clothes. I was completely taken aback when I saw a man wearing Capri pants and holding hands with a woman. Any self-respecting man wouldn't be caught dead wearing something as feminine as Capri pants in Southwest Virginia. They were reserved for women and homosexuals. It reminded me of something I heard Pastor Ronald say.
"Men need to be men. They need to grow a pair. I feel like too many wusses are running around. It's a wonder they don't walk around holding a doll. I don't do good with girly men."
The crowd had laughed and cheered. Some of the masculine men in the room gave fist pumps.
"Preach it, Pastor."
I could totally understand where Pastor Ronald was coming from. Homosexuals grossed me out, too. I felt like it was their agenda to turn everyone on the planet gay. It particularly annoyed me because people often assumed I was a lesbian. Couldn't a girl be a tomboy who loved her best friend without being gay? Sexuality was a choice. I was pretty sure it had been scientifically proven.
In between church services, we got in a few trips to the beautiful white sand of Clearwater Beach. Sheree and I walked out onto the pier and spotted two dolphins jumping out of the water. Our group went wading in the ocean. When we got back to our towels, we realized that someone had stolen one of the bags. It had Hope's car keys, Jane's wedding ring, and Tonya's glasses. No one had thought about hiding the bag or guarding it. The police came and filed a police report but we never heard back from them. We learned that city folk were not to be trusted with valuables.
The week went by in a blur of church services and nonstop culture shocks. I was disappointed that the camp meeting had ended and I still hadn't been baptized in the Holy Spirit. It might take longer than I had originally anticipated. We said tearful goodbyes to our friends before they piled into their cars and headed back to the mountains… without us.
"Well girls, we are official Floridians now. We better go job hunting. Classes start in three weeks and I barely have enough money to cover tuition for the first semester. I'm sure it won't be hard to find a job when I have so much experience in the fast food industry."
Little did I know, our job hunt would be impeded by my roommate, when she manifested a demon...
Disclaimer : I used artistic license for some chronology, dialogue, and to embellished some jokes. This is all from my viewpoint & memory. I have changed some names and locations to protect the innocent (and guilty).
Thank you so much Tenè Myrick for editing! <3
So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
(Matthew 6:31-34)
(Matthew 6:31-34)
As I took a gander around The Lake Church sanctuary, which resembled a Trump Tower hotel lobby, I was intimidated by the hundreds of beautiful people wearing tailored suits and chic dresses. They all seemed to exude an unabashed confidence that was foreign to me and my typical state of nineteen-year-old perpetual self-loathing. My inner voice warned, "YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO FIT IN HERE!" I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. I had traded my parachute pants and over-sized Christian t-shirt for a flowery blouse, wrap-around skirt, and dress shoes that had respectively come from a yard sale, thrift store, and from my sister. It was the most “girly” thing I had worn in years - excluding my prom dress -but I felt completely absurd surrounded by a sea of supermodels.
Earlier in the day my hair had been a few inches longer; splotched brown, black, and bleached-out yellow from a botched self-dyeing attempt. The worship leader from my home church, Jane, stopped me in the parking lot before we went into The Lake.
"Jacqui I have to do something about your hair. I wouldn't be your friend if I let you start your new life with this mess on your head."
She produced a pair of scissors from her gigantic purse and went to town, hacking off the frizzy chunks in a frenzy like Edward Scissorhands. I didn't want Jane to cut my hair, but I was incapable of saying "no". I stood in the church parking lot like a helpless lamb that had been lead to slaughter and prayed no one could see her shearing me. I tried not to watch as my curls landed on the searing hot asphalt and were blown away by the salty ocean breeze.
It was unlikely that anyone spotted us because the parking lot was so colossal. The driveway leading up to the church was decorated with tall, thin palm trees. It felt like we were cruising on Rodeo Drive when we drove up. My heart leapt up into my throat when I saw The Lake at Tampa Bay Church where I was supposed to spend the next three years at their Bible Institute. I had never seen such a gigantic, modern church. It made me feel tiny. I imagined it was how peasants felt when first visiting the Notre Dame Cathedral. It was a large white and green building with gargantuan panes of glass. The entrance was overshadowed by large white canopies that looked like angel wings. I thought to myself, “The favor of God is really on this ministry for them to be able to afford such a nice building.”
"There that looks better. I got rid of all your split ends, too. What do you think?"
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| Jacqui & Jason |
I looked at myself in her car’s side view mirror. All the black and yellow was gone, but it was now uneven and still frizzy. It was not unusual for my friends to offer their “help” by doing my hair, applying make-up, or dressing me in feminine clothes. It irritated me that they thought I was so fashion-inept. I knew I was, but I would never give someone else fashion tips, much less insist on cutting their hair or dressing them. I felt like the victim of one of those surprise fashion makeover television shows. But Jane was just trying to be nice, not insult me, so I broke the ninth commandment and told a white lie.
"I love it, thanks!"
"Great, let's go in. Maybe now you can find yourself a boyfriend." Jane nudged me and winked as our group walked up to the church.
No one seemed to care that my engagement to Jason Helbert had just ended. Sure, we hadn't kissed and had barely even held hands, but we had been saving ourselves for our wedding night. Because we were "Christian courting" instead of dating, it seemed to delegitimize the seriousness of our relationship to those around us. Our courtship ended after Jason revealed to me that he wasn’t called into the ministry. I believed our eventual marriage would be doomed if he didn't want to live the rest of his life in the pastoral ministry. I had come to the Lake Bible Institute (LBI) to learn to be a youth pastor, not to find a new boyfriend.
I hadn’t just left behind my fiancé to pursue my calling into the ministry, I had left my entire family behind. I was the first person in my immediate family to move out of the mountains. My family tried to warn me that it was a terrible idea with subtle words like “cult”, “insane”, and “the school isn’t accredited”, but I brushed them off. I knew that Satan would try to use my family to dissuade me. Satan had to know what a threat I would be to him after I received a bachelor’s degree in Theology. Once I had my degree, Pastor Collinwood from my home church had promised to hire me as his youth pastor.
I didn’t bother tell my biological father I was moving across the country. I didn’t want to deal with his insanity anymore. I completely cut off all contact with him and vowed to never speak to him again. Yahweh was my Dad now.
It was comforting that I wasn't making such a big move by myself. My friends, Sheree and Becky, were also going to be attending the Lake Bible Institute. During the drive to Florida the three of us planned the adventures we would have. I didn't own a computer, so I went to a local library I had Yahoo!ed and printed out a list of attractions to visit; Busch Gardens theme park, the Museum of Science and Industry (MOSI), The Florida Aquarium, historic Ybor City, and the Salvador Dali Art Museum. It was going to be three years of sand, sun, surfing, and soul winning. But first we were going to attend a camp meeting at The Lake Church.
A Lake Church camp meeting was a throwback to the revivals that took place in the early 19th century, when a frontier preacher would travel into an isolated area and hold revival meetings. The inhabitants’ houses were spread so far apart that they set up camp and slept under the stars for the week. The Lake Church held their camp meetings twice a year and they were always at full capacity with roughly 1,700 attendees. Pentecostals from around the world would converge on Tampa and stay in hotels or congregants’ homes. Eight members of our home church traveled down with us, in a caravan, to attend the 2003 Summer Camp Meeting.
The road trip was supposed to take 12 hours, but my car started acting weird around Macon, Georgia. Our Pastor's “right hand man”, Jerry, had volunteered to drive my car because I had never driven more than 25 miles from my home and had never braved an interstate. He was able to steer it into an auto repair shop before it died. Our entire convoy stopped and waited, for a couple hours, while Jerry had a mechanic fix whatever “thingymadoflootchie” that had gone bad. I wrung my hands and fretted because I only had $500 to my name and hadn't planned on paying for a car repair. I had only owned the car, a 1969 Oldsmobile Cutlass Salon, for a couple days and now it was already malfunctioning. But once the repair was completed, Jerry refused to let me see the bill.
"Don't worry about the bill. God told me to pay for it."
Sheree said, "See Jacqui, I told you not to worry. God is blessing you already! Pastor Collinwood blessed you by buying you the car and Jerry blessed you by fixing it. We are definitely on the right path. It's the favor of God."
We were five hours behind our travel schedule when we finally crossed the state line into Florida.
"It's so flat! I can see so far in every direction without any hills or ridges."
I marveled at how different everything was from the coalfields. They didn't have dilapidated wooden houses and hundred-year-old storefronts. The houses were made covered in stucco and Spanish ceramic tiles. Instead of churches and gas stations on every corner, they had shopping centers.
"We won't have to drive forty-five minutes every time we need to go Wally World! I bet the teenagers don't go cruising around the Food City parking lot for fun. There is so much to do here."
There was beautiful Spanish moss hanging from the trees instead of kudzu. Instead of blue jays, robins, and crows; we saw Pelicans, Sea Gulls, and Ibises. Even the roadkill was peculiar. Rather than groundhog corpses littering the highways, I spotted my first dead armadillo before the caravan stopped to refuel at a 7-Eleven gas station. Tonya pointed out a lady wearing a hijab, while we walked into the store.
"Oh Wow man a real life Muslim! It's so sad that they don't believe in Jesus. I know that they are probably going to Hell. I reckon that headdress-y thingy gets really hot in Florida."
Tonya said, "Yeah, but it probably helps them not get sunburned."
"The clerks really are Indians! I thought that was just a joke on the Simpsons. OH MY GOD THEY HAVE SLURPEES! I have always wanted to try a Slurpee."
Sheree said, "We had 7-Elevens all over Texas. Here, I will show you how to make the best Slurpee ever."
She picked out a cup the size of a oil barrel and mixed together a heavenly concoction of flavors; Mountain Dew, Strawberry Banana, and Cherry. We all suffered from severe “brain freeze” as we slurped down our drinks and rolled into Tampa.
Our first stop was Carmen and Saul's apartment. Carmen and Saul were evangelists who had visited us in Castlewood and were instrumental in convincing us to come to RBI. They offered their apartment to the entire group who traveled down and they set up Sheree, Becky, and me in temporary accommodations with R.B.I. students. I was amazed when I realized that their apartment complex was gated and required a special code to enter.
"Dude, they must be really rich to live in a gated community!"
I was impressed to see that their apartment had high ceilings. I had never been in a home with high ceilings. To have so much extra space seemed so extravagant. The group unpacked and went swimming in the complex pool until dinnertime. I helped Carmen prepare a monstrous salad and was amazed to witness her use a garbage disposal - a modern convenience I had never seen in person.
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| Becky, Sheree, & Jacqui first arriving in Tampa. |
"Sure thing!"
Sheree and Becky volunteered to go with me.
"There is a grocery store right down the road. Take your first left and it will be on the corner."
At first, I was thrilled the three of us were out on our own in Tampa, but we got lost before we even left the apartment complex. Every street looked exactly the same. After many dead ends we finally found our way back to the front gate.
"Did she say take the second right?"
Becky said, "I thought she said the third right."
We turned right and found ourselves on an eight-lane road in bumper-to-bumper traffic. The heaviest traffic congestion I had ever experienced back home was three cars deep at a stop sign. A SUV aggressively swerved over into my lane, cutting me off. The driver in the Lexus behind me braked just centimeters from my bumper and laid on her horn. Always flappable, I started crying.
"Oh my God! I can't drive in this!"
Sheree said, "You have to be more aggressive and inch your way over or we will never be able to change lanes."
"I'm using my turn signal, but they won't let me over!
"You have to just cut them off. They will have to let you over."
"But that is so rude! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!"
HONK!!!
"Has anyone even seen a single grocery store?"
Becky said, "I haven't."
Sheree said, "Let's pull into this shopping center."
I was sweating bullets as I slowly inched my way into the turn lane, causing a woman in a Range Rover to give me “the bird”. We drove around the shopping center but didn't see a grocery store. It was all stores with weird names like Publix, The Cheesecake Factory, Starbucks, Planet Smoothie, and Jamba Juice.
"I don't see a Piggly Wiggly, Food Lion, or Food City. All these people have to get their groceries from somewhere."
We pulled into three different strip malls and looked around for a grocery store but had no luck. Just a Kash n' Karry check cashing store and a furniture store named Albertson's.
I was in a full-blown panic, now hyperventilating. Neither Sheree nor Becky had their driver's licenses, so I had no choice but to try to pull myself together and keep driving.
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| Oldsmobile Cutlass Salon |
Sheree suggested, “Why don't we find a pay phone and call Carmen?"
"I don't have any change or her number. Guys, I can't do this. We just have to go back without the cheese."
When we finally parked the Oldsmobile at the apartment I stayed outside to gain my composure. Carmen came to check on me.
"What's wrong Jacqui?"
"I can't drive here, it's too insane. I don't think I can do this. It's too big. I'm sorry I didn't get your cheese. We couldn't find any grocery stores."
"Don't worry about the cheese. We can have salad without cheese. I am surprised you couldn't find any grocery stores. We have a Publix, Kash n' Karry, and an Albertson's all down the road."
"Those are grocery stores?!"
"Hah, yeah! I know the city is scary to you but you will get used to it. I'm sorry I didn't think of it before I sent you out for cheese. The Lord called you to Bible school here. He wouldn't call you to do something you aren't capable of. I heard Jerry say he will drive you girls around this week until you feel more comfortable."
"That's a relief. Thanks. I think I am just tired from the trip. I am going to go take a nap before church."
A few hours later, two women held the doors of The Lake open for us and a rush of ice-cold air enveloped me. To compensate for all the heat and humidity in Tampa, all the buildings were kept colder than meat lockers. Something my Granny always said came to mind, "It's colder than a witch's titty."
“Welcome to The Lake!” They handed us a church bulletin that looked as professional as a magazine and was several pages long with announcements and information.
My old church building could easily fit into the foyer. The walls were decorated with a gigantic map of the world and pictures of people being prayed for. One side had a reception area and a café; the other side had a bookstore. Shelves and tables were covered in Cassette tapes, Compact Discs, DVDs, and books. Most were written or preached by Dr. Ronald Howard Black. He was a prolific.
Emily, a Bible school student who had visited my old church the previous summer, spotted us and waved. She made a beeline towards us and brought a stranger with her.
"Susie, this is Jacqui, Sheree, and Becky. They are from Pastor Collinwood's church - the little Appa-LAY-shuh church.”
Sheree said, “It’s Appa-LATCH-uh, they get mad when you pronounce it wrong. When I moved there from Texas I learned the hard way.”
“Hah! Maybe that's how they say it but everywhere else in the world it is pronounced Appa-LAY-shuh. Anyways, the girls are going to be students at RBI."
Susie said, " Nice to meet you. Welcome to The Lake."
Becky said, "Thanks. We are glad we finally made it."
"Just listen to that accent! Say something else for me."
“Er... I don't know what to say."
"That accent is so adorable. Does everyone wear overalls and walk around barefoot?”
I said, "What? No! Some people wear overalls, but not everyone.”
"Did you have electricity?"
"Everyone has electricity. Well, almost everyone... I do have an Uncle who lives off the grid because he grows pot.”
"What about outhouses? Do you have outhouses?"
Sheree said, "My family has an outhouse in our front yard, but we installed a modern bathroom when we moved in."
I said, "I have only seen two houses that still have outhouses, Sheree’s and my cousins’. They couldn't afford toilet paper so we had to use newspapers. But that is really rare."
Emily was gawking at us like we were from a different planet.
“Do you girls know that Appa-LAY-shuh family that they made that TV show about? Where everyone says goodnight at the end.”
“Are you talking about The Waltons?"
"Yeah, that's the one. Do The Waltons live close to you?"
"That show was about a fictional family during the Great Depression. The area is completely different now."
"Oh, really? I thought it was set during the eighties. You girls talk just like they do! I'm surprised you are so smart.”
"Um... thanks, I guess."
The sanctuary was as immense as an airplane hangar. It had more angel canopies hanging from the ceiling. Flags from every country lined the walls. The blue carpeted stage had quite an impressive collection of instruments; guitars, microphones, a piano, and a Plexiglas drum cage. Three professional-grade video cameras towering on tripods and platforms were spread out across the room. High above the stage, there were three massive screens onto which the camera feeds was projected. It felt like I was at a rock concert.
Ushers with name badges directed us to a section of seats that were directly in front of the Plexiglas pulpit with a globe etched into it, five rows back. While we waited for the service to start, I watched people milling about. This was the most diverse group of people I had probably ever been around; Asians, Latinos, Africans, Europeans, Scandinavians, Russians, Australians. At home the demographic spread was white people, whiter people, and whitest people.
The overhead screens lit up with the music video for Steven Curtis Chapman's song, “Dive”.
“…There is a supernatural power
In this mighty river's flow
It can bring the dead to life,
And it can fill an empty soul
And give a heart the only thing
Worth living and worth dying for, yeah…”
I later learned that this music video played at the beginning of every single service. A worship band took their places on the stage and began playing when the video ended.
"Everybody stand to your feet and let's praise the Lord!"
The worship leader was a dashing man with a goatee and an acoustic guitar. Everyone who was not already on their feet stood up. I was impressed by the sound quality; no hot mics or feedback. The band played a few upbeat songs as the crowd jumped up and down and sang along.
Eventually the band transitioned to soft worship songs and the crowd switched gears seamlessly. As a church musician, I was blown away by how receptive the crowd was. At my old church, we had a handful of people who would get into praise and worship, but the rest of the congregation seemed to resent it. They would sit like corpses and just stare, unblinking, waiting for it to be over. Jane regularly fielded complaints that the music was too loud, we played too long, and the songs were too contemporary.
"Why can't you stick to “How Great Thou Art”? Jesus wouldn't like all that noise."
At The Lake, the praise and worship lasted for almost an hour. The crowd closed their eyes, swayed, lifted their hands, and belted out "Jesus, lover of my soul." I gripped the back of the seat in front of me with both my hands and tried to empty my mind and worship, but I was having a difficult time staying focused with random thoughts popping into my head.
"Did my hair really look THAT bad?"
"What is the Capital of Uzbekistan?"
"Does every woman on the planet, except me, have fake boobs?"
"I really wish I had a king-sized Reese's cup right now."
People around me began singing in tongues. At first I thought they were singing in their native languages, but quickly realized that it was, in fact, tongues.
"Oh la la shamba da de koseeki luma shondi kondi kole shadombe!"
That jolted me a little bit because, in our church, they typically only spoke in tongues if a prophet was present to provide a translation. With these people randomly worshipping in tongues, no one was translating. I thought, “I'm sure they have a reason for it.” I didn't really feel qualified to judge, because I had never been baptized in the Holy Spirit with the evidence of tongues. I was praying that it would finally happen while I was attending RBI.
I was interrupted from my train of thought when Dr. Ronald Howard Black came out onto the stage. He was a big man in a black pinstripe suit, with a bright yellow power neck tie, and matching pocket square. His South African accent was almost impossible for me to decipher and he spoke in a booming and commanding voice.
"Thank you Jesus. I can really feel the presence of the Lord here tonight. Thank you,God. I just want you to be seated if you would. I want every head bowed, every eye closed. 2003 will be the year of the harvest. Maybe you walked in here today and you don't know Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Maybe you have never been in a church like this before. While we were worshiping, you felt the Lord tugging at your heart. I want you to know that there is a Heaven to gain and a Hell to shun. You don't have to go to the devil’s Hell. Today the power of sin, guilt, and shame will be removed from your life and you will leave this place changed and pure because of the blood of Jesus. He loves you. What if today was your last day on Earth? What if you never woke up again? Where would you go? The way of the world is hard. ‘For God so loved the world, He gave his only begotten son, so whosoever should call on Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.’ Maybe you are here today and you gave your life to the Lord in days gone, by but you lost your first love. Today the Lord wants to take out the stony heart and put in a heart of flesh. He wants to transform you. With every head bowed and your eyes closed, if you fit into any of those categories please raise your hand. Thank you. Thank you. God bless you. We are going to pray with you and for you. I want you to come from where you are."
People streamed up to the carpeted area in front of the stage.
"Come! Today is your day. Don't delay. He calls you NOW!"
The band started playing “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus”.
Once the front area was full of people, Dr. Ronald continued. "If you mean business with God today, God means business with you. Raise your right hand to Heaven and repeat after me: ‘Father, I come to you in the precious name of your son, Jesus. Lord, you said in your word that if I confess with my mouth that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and I believe in my heart that you raised Him from the dead, I would be saved. So, Jesus, I ask you to come into my heart right now. Wash me, cleanse me, use me, let me never be the same again. I turn my back on the world. I turn my back on sin. Today I confess Jesus has come in the flesh and He is my Lord and Savior. Right now I receive the free gift of salvation.’ Now, just lift both hands and let's thank Him."
The crowd began cheering as the new Christians began to thank God. After a few moments, Dr. Ronald resumed talking and pointed towards a man who looked like Will Ferrell's miniature doppelganger.
"If you would all follow Pastor Eric back behind this wall, we have some gifts we want to give you. If any of you have a desire to be trained up to the use of God, we have a Bible school. Classes start next month."
Sheree excitedly poked me in the ribs. After the alter call, Pastor Ronald preached an offering message for an hour. The gist of the message was “wicked people will lose their wealth.” The wealth of the wicked is saved up for the just. If you give to God now, he will bless you a hundredfold. Once the ushers had collected the offering and were escorted by security guards to an elevator, Pastor Ronald began to preach his main sermon about how religion is a terrible thing.
"Religion always wants to beat you down. It wants to condemn you. Jesus didn't come to condemn. He came to set us free from our sins. Christians should be the happiest people on the planet. Instead, you have Christians who fast so often that they have to dance around in the shower to get wet. God wants you to be full of joy and life."
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| By: Jacqui Helbert 2005 |
After Dr. Ronald was finally done preaching, he invited the entire crowd to line up so he could “lay hands” on everyone (pray). I quietly found a place in line, surrounded by people who were laughing hysterically. The Lake is widely known for a phenomenon called “the Joy of the Lord”. At many Pentecostal churches, it was typical fare for people to speak in tongues and fall out in the Spirit, but The Lake went beyond that. Its congregation was known for getting "drunk" in the Holy Spirit. One minute a respectable member of the congregation could be listening to the sermon, the next they were inexplicably laughing hysterically and falling in the floor. They seemed as though they were completely trashed; unable to stand, speak clearly, or function. This was all supported by scripture in the biblical book of Acts, Chapter 2.
The air was alive with electricity and anticipation. People were desperate and hungry for a touch from their God. I could hear ushers running past me to catch people as they fell out. Women followed closely behind the ushers with purple cloths. They covered up any female who went down to prevent any “wardrobe malfunctions”. Pastor Ronald's voice got closer and closer, until I wasn't hearing it over the sound system but right beside me. He was praying for Tonya.
"Fire, Lord! Fire! That's it! Let the joy of the Lord bubble up out of your belly like a river. I pray for the double-anointing Lord. Take it. Just let Him fill you with His presence."
I wanted to open my eyes and see what was going on around me. But I knew that was just my flesh being weak. I told myself, "This could be it. You may finally get baptized in the Holy Spirit."
Then I felt Pastor Ronald right in front of me. He touched my forehead. Even though I was expecting it, I was still a little startled. His voice resonated.
"Fire!"
My legs crumpled and I was acutely aware of an usher gently laying me on the ground. I kept my eyes closed and lay as still as possible waiting for the baptism of Holy Spirit. I felt a cloth lady drape purple fabric over my legs and was grateful. The floor was a little chilly. I tried to relax and empty my mind of any thoughts. I wiggled my toes to check if I felt the fire of the Lord. Nothing. I tried not to give up hope. I could hear people all around me being touched; screaming at the top of their voices, shrieking, crying, laughing.
Eventually I gave up and got off the floor. All the people lying prostrate on the floor, covered in purple cloth, vaguely brought to mind the Heaven's Gate mass cult suicide of ‘97. I pushed that thought away. It was no wonder I wasn't baptized in the Holy Spirit with terrible thoughts like that!
Sheree joined me back at our seats.
"I almost feel high right now. I think I have the Holy Ghost munchies!"
After the service was dismissed, Carmen introduced us to Tammy and Patty, the RBI students who had generously offered the three of us a place to stay while we got on our feet. They were both older than us, mid- to early 30s and very friendly. Tammy was quite a talker and was from Tennessee, so we immediately hit it off because of our shared Southernness. Patty was from Long Island and she was very quiet and reserved. We followed them back to their trailer, which was about a 20-minute drive from the church. I was happy that the traffic had eased up considerably.
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| Tish & Jacqui- first night in Tampa |
I was astonished that the trailer park was actually a gated community as well. It was a sprawling park, ten times bigger than any trailer park I had ever seen. Despite the size, I finally felt at home for the first time since we had come to Florida. Becky made her bed on the couch and Sheree and I shared an air mattress in the living room floor. I curled up close to Sheree.
"Good night, man. Love you."
"Love you, too."
The next morning Saul drove us to a local shopping mall to fill out job applications at food court restaurants and stores.
"Look at that man's hearing aid! It's silver and it has lights on it, like something from Star Trek."
Saul laughed, "That isn't a hearing aid. It's a Bluetooth earpiece. It wirelessly hooks up to a cell phone."
"Oh... We don't really have cell phones back home. No service."
No one at the mall was wearing camouflage or plaid shirts tucked into Wrangler jeans. The majority of the men were clean-shaven with “preppy” clothes. I was completely taken aback when I saw a man wearing Capri pants and holding hands with a woman. Any self-respecting man wouldn't be caught dead wearing something as feminine as Capri pants in Southwest Virginia. They were reserved for women and homosexuals. It reminded me of something I heard Pastor Ronald say.
"Men need to be men. They need to grow a pair. I feel like too many wusses are running around. It's a wonder they don't walk around holding a doll. I don't do good with girly men."
The crowd had laughed and cheered. Some of the masculine men in the room gave fist pumps.
"Preach it, Pastor."
I could totally understand where Pastor Ronald was coming from. Homosexuals grossed me out, too. I felt like it was their agenda to turn everyone on the planet gay. It particularly annoyed me because people often assumed I was a lesbian. Couldn't a girl be a tomboy who loved her best friend without being gay? Sexuality was a choice. I was pretty sure it had been scientifically proven.
In between church services, we got in a few trips to the beautiful white sand of Clearwater Beach. Sheree and I walked out onto the pier and spotted two dolphins jumping out of the water. Our group went wading in the ocean. When we got back to our towels, we realized that someone had stolen one of the bags. It had Hope's car keys, Jane's wedding ring, and Tonya's glasses. No one had thought about hiding the bag or guarding it. The police came and filed a police report but we never heard back from them. We learned that city folk were not to be trusted with valuables.
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| Jacqui, Jill, & Hannah at Clearwater Beach. |
"Well girls, we are official Floridians now. We better go job hunting. Classes start in three weeks and I barely have enough money to cover tuition for the first semester. I'm sure it won't be hard to find a job when I have so much experience in the fast food industry."
Little did I know, our job hunt would be impeded by my roommate, when she manifested a demon...
Disclaimer : I used artistic license for some chronology, dialogue, and to embellished some jokes. This is all from my viewpoint & memory. I have changed some names and locations to protect the innocent (and guilty).
Thank you so much Tenè Myrick for editing! <3
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